Blue Christmas

All day I have been feeling a bit odd, on edge and short with people, and I realized why as I drove to the gym, only to find it closed (how shocking!) at 9 pm on Christmas eve....so I came up with plan B and took myself on a short tour of this tiny capital city on this Atlantic island, ocean locked but for a thin finger stretching out to touch the mainland...I realized that I am, indeed, with my family, but there are members missing. Members I have shared this season with for a decade, but are no longer really my family..were they ever my family?

I would answer that "yes"... they were my chosen family, now un-chosen (if that is a word)- estranged...ex.....a choice that I am content with and yet I feel the empty space where they used to be. Oh, I see them from time to time, and I could have them around me more, but I am trying to make the break..trying to explore different parts of this life, trying to find my way. Without them. And that is the hard part.

The letting go.

It's a choice I made 10 months ago. I do not regret it, but I do feel the loneliness well up inside me at times.

Times like this.

I hope they are happy and together.

Merry Christmas.