On the cusp of 40

Here I am, about to turn 40.

Fuckin' crazy. I always thought I would be dead by now.
I know that sounds morbid, but it is true.

I was so sure that I would no longer exist.

In retrospect, I was partially right.
I am not the same person now that I was when I was 10, or 20, 0r 30, or even 38.
I am hormonally different. I am, medically speaking, more male now.
But I don't want to be a man.
And I am not so much a woman, but strangely enough I love my female side way more now that I ever did when I was more estrogen fueled.
I identify more with myself- I am not constantly fighting my very being.
No longer resenting myself.
I love myself more.
I feel so much more stable
Less a prisoner to my emotions
More able to deal with the world around me.
More able to make plans and have dreams and FOLLOW THROUGH.

I like this new me.
I love this new me.
I have a long way left to go.

clearer head?

Yesterday I had counseling with C. and it was really intense. We were talking about issues of conflict, one giant one in particular, and I became really upset and agitated and cried and in the middle of it said "I feel like my head is going to explode" and then I had a spontaneous nosebleed. A big one. Weird. I felt strangely calm and really alert afterwards, because I had admitted some stuff while I was in that incredibly hard place that helped me to see why I was feeling so much trepidation over the issue that we were discussing. I was really painfully brutally honest with myself and also my grrl and the counselor. It was crazy hard and also really freeing and empowering.

I have been plagued by depression for a long time, and the past year and a half have been especially awful. When I lost my position at Medieval Times and had to leave, it was the beginning of the end. I spiraled down into a dark place, and while I tried to keep my head above water, more often than not I would sink, and although I could look up and see myself reflected in the mirror of the surface, I could not muster the wherewithal to break through and return to my positive, joyful, hopeful headspace. I tried all of my coping techniques- exercise, good food, enough rest, social interaction, and although each would have a little bit of a positive result, in the end I found myself turning inward and getting darker and sinking deeper. I got quieter, more anxious, less confident.... I became a shadow of the strong handsome smart silly witty creative sexy creature who rode horses for a living and loved life.
I walk through life nowadays as if I wear a mask when I am outside my home, so as not to reveal my truth to strangers. When I return home to the place that should be safe and warm and comforting, I mostly feel crowded and irritated and in chaos. I want to be able to enjoy time with my sweetheart, and play in our little home, and make it beautiful and restful and an oasis. Right now all I want to do is retreat to my room where at least I can keep things in order the way I like them, even if it seems OCD to my lovergrrl.... it is the only place in my home that I feel at ease, and even there sometimes I feel like the walls are closing in.
Sometimes, when I am at my wit's end and exhausted by life and keeping up appearances, I fantasize about blinking out like a little lightning bug *poof* and not having to deal with anything anymore. I have felt that, off and on, for many many years as well, but I have never come close to acting on my thoughts. Still, it is unsettling to have them.
I am going to start taking meds for my depression. Celexa, to be exact. I tried Effexor a while back (2 yrs?) and I felt really spacy and stoned and gross on it, and stopped after a week. I will give this stuff a little longer, and I hope it helps. I do not want to lose all of the good things in my life because of bad brain chemistry.
I want to be my best, and build my little fixie project over the winter, and walk to work, and make journals, and get stronger still, and love my Grrl, and find a way to go back to school, and stand up to MT in the tribunal, and not be paralyzed by anxiety and self loathing and sadness.
I want to find myself, the Eli who I know exists, but who has been lost for a while.
I deserve to be happy, and loved.

Heavy workout bliss

Today I did the following in my workout:

I did one arm cleans with first a 30 ( 1st set) and then a 35 lb ( 2nd and 3rd sets) dumbell.

FYI, a clean is a movement whereby one picks up a weight and, using the entire body, uncoils from a high squat to lift the weight overhead. Usually it is done with two hands and an Olympic bar. Today we did it one armed, just for fun. I did 3 sets of 5 reps apiece.

Following that, I did suitcase deadlifts. And overhead plate presses. The deadlifts were one sided (one then the other) using a 50 lb dumbbell, and named because the movement is similar to lifting a suitcase. The plate presses were kinda like a push press, only utilizing a 20 kg plate instead of a bar. These exercises were done one right after the other. It was tiring and fabulous.

Following that I did a series that involved pull ups from the floor ( bar set up in a squat rack so that I was on the floor, then, with palms facing out, pulled up for 8 reps. Not as easy as it sounds), swiss ball planks w/ knee strikes (kneeing ball alternately for 20 total reps) and then seated 10 kg medicine ball throws up in the air. Each exercise was performed 3 times, with a short break after each set.

For the finale, I pushed a 160+ lb sled from one end of the gym to the other (about 20 meters).

It was an ass-kicker and I loved it.

I love exercise.

I love being strong.

Yay me.

Tear me open again

Medieval Times saga continues. There are always two sides to every story, and they deny any wrongdoing on their part. The truth is twisted to suit the point of view. It's always the way. There is MY truth and there is their truth and the REAL truth.... well, some would say it is somewhere in the middle ground.

I feel like my thick deeply rooted scar is now torn open, hanging loosely from my chest on the threads of hope that I had before I got their reply...threads of wishing they would just admit their wrong and apologize. That would be too simple. Now my heart is laid bare again, bleeding all over, hot hurt and anger and grief and deep deep sadness darkeningstaining everything red drying to rusty flakes on my skin. I smell of iron and leather and sweat and I used to smell like horses and happiness.

I have been in this place before- trying desperately to find a replacement for the thing I have lost.

I have lost sight of the hopeful open trusting heart that I cavorted through life with, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, seeing the best instead of the worst... I suspect that heart is still somewhere, but it is smaller, hiding in shadows and wrapped into itself, and afraid.

Now I feel as if I am on my own, with no joyful companion to walk beside me. One foot in fromt of the other, heavy steps, head hanging, eyes are darker.

I do not reveal myself easily. I do not trust motive or intention.

I have become aware that what I see as truth is often just a mirage.

I am too angry to give up.

too heartbroken

heartbroken

Stranger in a strange land

On April 24 2009 I started taking testosterone to begin my transformation into something/someone slightly different (hormonally, anyway) from who I am right now. I am now 2 months and 4 days into it, and I am feeling weirded out and awkward and also kinda excited and confused by how conflicted I am feeling. I guess you never know how you are gonna feel til you are in the middle of the thing.... I thought I might be all psyched and just plain thrilled at the idea of attaining an outward appearance that matches more how I feel on the inside....y'know....mostly boy with a good helping of female-ness.... I am, however, feeling very bloated and sausage-like and my face looks round and pudgy and my muscles, though denser and larger, are not as defined as I would like (granted I need to do some work in the gym to get to the physique goal that I want, THAT is understood)... I have the belly that I got rid of a few years ago back (maybe the fat-redistribution phenomenon?)... my voice is dropping a little which is neat, and my clit is 3x the size it used to be (also kinda neat)... I am fuzzier on my face and also below my chin (under my jaw). I am feeling less emotionally up-and-down all the time, but still experience severe bouts of self-doubt and anxiety. This has nothing to do with the T and more to do with all the stuff that has gone down in my life over the past couple of years.
My sex-drive is higher, but not through the roof; I wish Caro was closer in those moments when I am feeling really horny and yearn for contact with her, but I must admit I am also enjoying the lack of clutter/messiness that seems to follow her in a trail. I love her a lot but I get stressed out by her lack of care in terms of basic tidiness. It is not WRONG, just different from my idea of how neat a place should be, and i do not consider myself to be an overly neat fella. I just have trouble with chaos ALL THE TIME. Add to that her cute yet extremely irritating, barky, insecure, and needy little dog and I kinda lose my shit sometimes. It makes me sad that I cannot love her dog like she does, or at all. I feel badly that I am so short-fused and easily pissed off by the small K9. It's not as if I do not like dogs, cos I DO. I love them, but I also have some expectations about how a dog who lives with me should behave, which is all well and good when I have control over said dog and i have trained it. Not so great when it has very few manners, is not reliably housetrained, and is basically pandered to and coddled when it misbehaves. If I had that dog for a month she would have a very different life, and would ( I hope) become a different creature around me. Ugh. I don't want to live with the dog but she is a package deal with my sweet grrl so I wil have to figure out a way to tolerate her.
I'll work on that. I promise.
I am also having major angst about C. wanting a baby. I don't want kids; never have. I like 'em alright, and I enjoy spending time with them when I have the chance, but I honestly don't think I want one of my own. I am too selfish, maybe. I am still trying to figure out what the fuck I am doing with MY life. I am not ready to give it over to another small person. I spoke with a friend last night who is a parent and he described his kids (who, incidentally, he loves very much and is THRILLED to have) as parasites. Ha. I found that ironic and kinda funny. SO now C is feeling her biological clock ticking and is thinking about it all the time and talking about it and every time it comes up I get a gut wrenching stress ball in my solar-plexus and feel really icky. She is so excited about the possibility and I just feel horrified and like I want to run in the other direction. It sucks because I love her a lot and can see myself with her for a long time but now I feel as if I have to make a huge decision re: parenthood or risk losing her. It's fucked up. Nothing is happening NOW, and who knows what will happen in the future. In fact, I really don't have the energy to spend worrying about it cos it's not something that I am priorizing right now. I feel as if I need to really find ways to take care of ME and other stuff can take the backseat for a spell.
I want to join a gym closer to home.
I want to learn more about powerlifting/olympic style lifting
I want to learn about getting certified as a strength trainer.
I will spend a little $$ to make more back
I want to go back to school but I do not know EXACTLY for what.
I need to take better care of my mental health.
I need to love myself more.

I am done for now.

Grand experiment, take 2

In four days, I will get back on the rollercoaster.

A bigger harder faster scarier more exhilarating fuckin' ride, and I have no idea when I will reach the end of THAT line, and I have no idea how I will feel at the end, or in the middle, or even in the first moments. I can speculate, and that's all.

I am doing this for myself. It's high time I did more of that.

I might lose everything, but then again, I might find that I gain far more than I ever imagined possible. I am getting onto the ride and leaving my fear standing wide-eyed on the worn wooden platform.
I am inching towards myself, and also away....

re-invention. evolution. transformation.

This tender boy is off to the races.

Giddy-up!