Stranger in a strange land

On April 24 2009 I started taking testosterone to begin my transformation into something/someone slightly different (hormonally, anyway) from who I am right now. I am now 2 months and 4 days into it, and I am feeling weirded out and awkward and also kinda excited and confused by how conflicted I am feeling. I guess you never know how you are gonna feel til you are in the middle of the thing.... I thought I might be all psyched and just plain thrilled at the idea of attaining an outward appearance that matches more how I feel on the inside....y'know....mostly boy with a good helping of female-ness.... I am, however, feeling very bloated and sausage-like and my face looks round and pudgy and my muscles, though denser and larger, are not as defined as I would like (granted I need to do some work in the gym to get to the physique goal that I want, THAT is understood)... I have the belly that I got rid of a few years ago back (maybe the fat-redistribution phenomenon?)... my voice is dropping a little which is neat, and my clit is 3x the size it used to be (also kinda neat)... I am fuzzier on my face and also below my chin (under my jaw). I am feeling less emotionally up-and-down all the time, but still experience severe bouts of self-doubt and anxiety. This has nothing to do with the T and more to do with all the stuff that has gone down in my life over the past couple of years.
My sex-drive is higher, but not through the roof; I wish Caro was closer in those moments when I am feeling really horny and yearn for contact with her, but I must admit I am also enjoying the lack of clutter/messiness that seems to follow her in a trail. I love her a lot but I get stressed out by her lack of care in terms of basic tidiness. It is not WRONG, just different from my idea of how neat a place should be, and i do not consider myself to be an overly neat fella. I just have trouble with chaos ALL THE TIME. Add to that her cute yet extremely irritating, barky, insecure, and needy little dog and I kinda lose my shit sometimes. It makes me sad that I cannot love her dog like she does, or at all. I feel badly that I am so short-fused and easily pissed off by the small K9. It's not as if I do not like dogs, cos I DO. I love them, but I also have some expectations about how a dog who lives with me should behave, which is all well and good when I have control over said dog and i have trained it. Not so great when it has very few manners, is not reliably housetrained, and is basically pandered to and coddled when it misbehaves. If I had that dog for a month she would have a very different life, and would ( I hope) become a different creature around me. Ugh. I don't want to live with the dog but she is a package deal with my sweet grrl so I wil have to figure out a way to tolerate her.
I'll work on that. I promise.
I am also having major angst about C. wanting a baby. I don't want kids; never have. I like 'em alright, and I enjoy spending time with them when I have the chance, but I honestly don't think I want one of my own. I am too selfish, maybe. I am still trying to figure out what the fuck I am doing with MY life. I am not ready to give it over to another small person. I spoke with a friend last night who is a parent and he described his kids (who, incidentally, he loves very much and is THRILLED to have) as parasites. Ha. I found that ironic and kinda funny. SO now C is feeling her biological clock ticking and is thinking about it all the time and talking about it and every time it comes up I get a gut wrenching stress ball in my solar-plexus and feel really icky. She is so excited about the possibility and I just feel horrified and like I want to run in the other direction. It sucks because I love her a lot and can see myself with her for a long time but now I feel as if I have to make a huge decision re: parenthood or risk losing her. It's fucked up. Nothing is happening NOW, and who knows what will happen in the future. In fact, I really don't have the energy to spend worrying about it cos it's not something that I am priorizing right now. I feel as if I need to really find ways to take care of ME and other stuff can take the backseat for a spell.
I want to join a gym closer to home.
I want to learn more about powerlifting/olympic style lifting
I want to learn about getting certified as a strength trainer.
I will spend a little $$ to make more back
I want to go back to school but I do not know EXACTLY for what.
I need to take better care of my mental health.
I need to love myself more.

I am done for now.