Shake it up, motherfucker

That's what I need to do..... I am mired in a sticky combination of stuff. I am inlove and wanting the steam back- my steam my anticipatory horny wantings and text message ramblings as I ride the greyhound to her town, to her arms and her bed. I now have her in my space, and i am in hers and yet I feel sometimes like I am far far away, and not in that sweet longing anticipatory way, but in a different way, like the distance is no longer there and so has morphed into something else that I cannot explain.... there is distance but it is not so geographical. I don;t even understand it. I just wish I could touch the beginning again. Naively I wish for this. A time when I was all stable-smells and dream-job smiles and daily doses of ponynose medicine, and I could work for 10 hours a day and smile through it and then hop a midnight bus to see her and feel so energized by my joy of living, and loving, and fucking... now I have joy, do not mistake me, but I also have anger and sadness and grief (unrelated to my sweet grrrl) that sometimes consume me and make me want to curl into myself and disappear; I seek solace in my pugilistic tendencies (tightly controlled and being honed weekly) and in a biweekly objective third party and dreams of success and transformation.
Still, I am sometimes frozen by fears of failure, of disappointing others by my actions, of not being true to myself, of loss because I AM being true to myself.....
I miss what I will not have again, in the same guise, and yet I am also hopeful for what may yet transpire in my life. Who I may yet become. How I might transform.
Til then I can only hold onto my hope and love.