Trust+evolution(?)

Another step......

A quotation that resonates: "...transformation occurs when we....give away what we think we can't...."

I give, often, what I know I can give; sometimes I have given what I should not have, for safety's sake, but wanted to in the moment. In this case, I gave what I felt strong enough to give.

I am glad that I did. There was a moment when I almost fell apart; a moment of such sweetness and sadness and longing that I filled up and then, as quickly as the moment came, it was gone. What I was left with was acceptance of where I stand within the greater picture that I am painting, and she is still there, in the distance.

One could say it's a different perspective......

Staring into those blue-grey eyes, stormy like the Atlantic, feeling that familiar weight against me, her scent, her hair, I felt such a love well up in me, but not the kind that demands anything....interestingly enough it was/is the kind of love that I wanted to share from the beginning, but all of my fears and insecurities got in the way. There were moments before today when I doubted my ability to give what I did, feared falling back into old patterns, old open borders (dangerous in some cases), but when I was faced with the reality of it all, everything that I was scared of dissolved and I was left with strength and deep love for another- one who I loved differently only a short time ago, one who I love still, deeply, darkly, and hard, but not so closely now.
This heart, this tender boy's heart, woven together with old scars and new- I wear the marks with pride and sorrow- some knitted tighter today.
I can smell her on my old t-shirt.
She is so beautiful..like a rainbow.

Thoughts vs actions

So who out there has ever considered making a huge change that would place you in a completely different place- not geographically speaking, but in terms of your place in the world and how you move through it?

If so, are you still thinking about it or are you doing it?

Just wondering.

I am getting closer to the action..scary as hell and yet very appealing as well.

Tiger by the tail......

Binary definitions do not work so well in everyday life, at least not for me. The girls I am attracted to seem to have a little boy energy in 'em....the boys I find attractive might actually be girls. I feel more boy than girl, and I can present as I wish.

I struggle with my definition-at work I am one name, among certain friends I am another. I am the same person within these two realms, but in one I feel safer to be more of who I am and in the other I feel the need to keep something for myself. It's all in the name...interesting.....putting a group of letters together that traditionally imply "female" make folks so much calmer when they deal with me- it's like it takes the guesswork out of it...."oh, it's called a flower so it must be a flower....phew! I was worried that it might ACTUALLY be a TIGER!!"

It's common knowledge that what one sees on the outside is not neccessarily what one gets in the inside.

To the untrained eye, a leatherman in full-on gorgeous regalia might seem ominous, but look closely at his right-hand pocket and the smile lines around his eyes; those clues may tell you otherwise.

An exquisitely turned out high-femme hottie may appear to be demure in her beautiful dress, evening gloves, and chrome spike heels, but take a good look at which wrist she wears her bracelets on....and be polite. She may be a tiger in her own right.

Before you gasp in horror and correct the young man who has walked into the "wrong" bathroom, look again. MORE CLOSELY.

I don't wear heels, but I sure do appreciate them.

....was that a non-sequitor?....

Tender boy, tougher.

This tender boy, born between what he is and what he feels. More experience under his belt. He stands in boots- heavy, steel toed, scarred from mishaps and adventures. Legs wear dark denim, cuffed, motorcycle grease stains the inner right leg where it contacts the crankcase. Favorite t-shirt, years old, greying with age, colours standing out. Hair falling over brown eyes, kicking out behind, doing what it likes. Hands calloused, fingers long and fine, one wears studded silver, wrists wrapped, and precious leather at his throat.

Crows rest on his shoulder and forearm, and on his chest above his heart....friends and reminders. More will roost here. Lines and images mark his memory map- more to follow. Pain precedes transformation.

The tender boy still wears his leathers when he rides. He still cries sometimes. He still fucks with vigour and voracious appetite.

The tender boy offers himself to those he trusts.

The tender boy loves hard, and feels hard, and hurts hard.

New scars and old crisscross his heart- the heart that beats pushing blood through his veins, feeding him, sustaining him.

He smells of clean sweat and horses, motorcycle oil and boot polish, sex and sometimes sadness.

He does his best.

Turn out your pockets........

Lightening a load....yeah.....that's what all of this is.


Shedding. Like a dog...shaggy, a little...not so big but not so small, either.

Shedding- like a snake...skin flakes and cracks and sloughs off revealing new beauty beneath.


A chance to move more swiftly with less resistance.

A chance to look at what is going on NOW, and remember what happened then.

My pockets still hold trinkets..lapis and bloodstone, lint and wood shavings and horsehair

My heart, still beating, still hurting from time to time, still hopeful.

Thump-thump thump-thump thump-thump

Bricks and mortar, friends and lovers.

rebuilding my wall
wide wooden gate and windows
to welcome you in