And what follows....

...hell if I know. I am seeing more clearly my tendency to be all or nothing....with or without...comes from what I have learned over the years and yet I desperately want to re-learn it all....how to love someone and be there for them and support them without always BEING there, without being the present constant, but still the constant.

Hmmm. I do it with my friends, so why do I have such a problem with this situation? I guess because of expectations, and because for a time things were the way that was familiar. Then, NOW..they are not. Funny too, that all of my insecurity and fear and sadness and feelings of hurt and being left are not fact....but my chest aches as if they are..I suppose what I am used to has left...and what it has become, well, I am not sure. I am not sure how I fit into this..I am scared that I cannot do it. There are moments when I just want to say "fuck it, fuck you, I'm done"...and yet I stay to try and make sense of the situation..I stay because the tenderness, the heat, the magic, and silliness, and the love. I stay because she is worth this work. I stay because I am in love and because I want to learn. Now.

I'll go when I cannot stay any longer, I suppose.

I suspect that the love is still there; I know it is for me but I am wary. I am not so secure. Words and actions do not correlate at times. The foundation has been rocked. Maybe it was built on sand all along and now the water has undercut it enough to shift it off of level.

Maybe.

This is the Master Class. Stay tuned for my thesis.

What's....?

A name. Gender (preference, identification, assignment, presentation, etc). A love. A lover. A job. A relationship. A promise. Ability. This story.

It could be anything. My reality is not the same as yours. I am lucky when mine runs beside yours for a spell. Or hers, or his.

I am mostly boy, born girl. Possessing both cunt and cock (the latter being interchangeable and of varying sizes and shapes, depending on my mood). Wishing sometimes for less of one and more of the other.

I am in love and loved.

I try to write a haiku a day.

11.1.07

tonight I sleep here
alone, under wool blankets
I'll dream of water