switchback

I am moving up past what used to be my comfort level into high altitude and thinner air and less of what I know and more of what I want to- maybe this is where I've been headed all along......I know what it might taste like, because I have had a sample; I am electric with wanting, and scared shitless...and hard up against it like I can hardly remember...and when the moment comes that I open my mouth and let the words and the flavour flow, I may lose my balance and fall, or lose control and make a mess of it..a beautiful mess one would hope....stumble over syllables and trip over too many thoughts- so maybe the key is not to think but to just feel it, and let it wash over me wave over wave until I go under and open my eyes and I am breathing where I never thought I could...like a lucid dream I can make it all happen, or not happen, or stop it *freeze-frame* for just a moment while I just take it all in with these eyes that used to only see what wasn't there in the back of my brain, but now can see what is right in front of me...terrifying....wonderful.

That's the switch.

good question

If you could be anyone for a day, who would you be? You'd be them.....body, mind, soul.

A friend asked me this question last night and the first person who came to mind was Lucia Rijker. Lucia is an athlete (boxer, to be exact), and an actor, and I think I would like to be her for 24 hours...to feel the power that she feels, to have her drive and focus and ability to work through the pain to reach her goal....amazing human being....wow. There are others as well, Roberta Bondar, my friend Patricia, my grandmother, David Bowie.....an interesting query, to be sure.

I am in a new place now, even different from where I was this time last week...and no doubt different from where I will be in another 7 days, or even 1. This constant change and expansion is a bit exhausting but ultimately wonderful, and I can only hope that I do not stop noticing it as it happens....I spent too long with my eyes closed, and now all I want to do is take it all in. At times I may see too much, but that is the trade-off, isn't it?

(back to last night...as my friend and I were walking towards my motorcycle, we passed a 70's era BMW...all flat-black paint and gold pinstripes and cafe-racer style- it stopped me in my tracks and made me a little bit hot...and I realized that a beautiful bike and a beautiful woman have a similar effect on me...hmmmm.)

backlit by moonlight

I get
flashes
of your face
dark eyes
all lashes
your body
beside me
beneath me
behind you
my hands
my tongue
are hungry
for your
flavour
salty
smoked
over beach fire

mmmmmm-mmm.

Day begins at 12:00:01.....

Finish work, start play.

Load up and drive, not sure where we're headed; we pass a couple of possible destinations and decide to take the long road to the beach- full moon behind the high clouds makes the night more negotiable, and the road ends and the bike is parked and the gravel road is walked and the wood is gathered and a hole is dug and the fire is built and wine is consumed and conversation ensues..tide goes out and turns back in.....more wood is gathered, little spritz of rain, night becomes dawn becomes morning closing in....then the ride home on brighter roads..to the tea-room for eggs and toast, to the couch for a nap and then sun and Yatzee on the deck....no complaints here- fine way to spend a monday....what it is, I am not sure, but I know it's fun.

work outside the comfort zone...establish new parameters

Here's to adventure and early starts

back at it

The goal is to give everything all the time If I do that then I will have no regrets I might not always get what I want, but sometimes that is better I have to decide if I want it or if I just think I do, and if I do, then I better go after it with everything....

circle comes round...as always

Propensity for intensity

So I am....
I think it is ok....to be forthright
maybe not for everyone, which is also ok
I am sorry I was too much for you, but all of my words were sincere

I hope you know that

you really are beautiful

but now is not the time

that was the time
and the place

you your face
in the salty air starry sky waves beside us

arms around me driving home through the dark

that was the time and place for that

and I tried to hold on too long, and it just ended up
slipping away
that much faster

bye barrista
see you when I see you

Lost and found

Corsets and sheath dresses slit to the thigh and knee-high boots...oh my!

Yes, I am weak for this woman in black...and it suprises me to a certain extent...but not that much.

It's like this: my energy expenditure appears to be a bit excessive at the moment, so I will sit up straighter and sink my weight into my heels and seat bones and squeeze with my legs and fingers and ask this head-tossing heart of mine to chill..to give over to calm for a spell, cos there will be time once the madness subsides, and space is a good thing when you do not know what else you can give. We'll move together, my heart and I, in a beautiful frame, "on the bit"....and what will happen, will happen, and what won't happen won't...which is not to say I am losing interest- quite the opposite...but I have to try a new approach. Gentle, yet focused.....but not obtrusive....in the end I have to be true, cos it's just who I am.....a sap/hopeless romantic....yup. Sad but true.

I have a fuck of a lot to learn.

what else is new?

she is very beautiful, and complicated.....for now I keep my eyes open and my reins snug.

Wise up, sucka

...sigh........

It is tempting, when faced with disappointment, to say to oneself "that's it....no more hoping..no more putting yourself out just a smidge...cos it won't work...it's too good to be true....."

That is no way to live.

I like the fact that I feel a lot, that I fall hard, and while I am falling I can feel that weightlessness in my stomach, and heat, and when I kiss her it is like I am inches above the ground, just for a moment....it's the returning to earth and getting the wind knocked outta me that is a bit hard....meh.....so my plan did not work out....anything can happen....I feel the disappointment and then fuckin move on. I'll see her again around and about, maybe I will kiss her again, maybe not- and I CAN be bold and brash and ballsy..and I can ask for what I want (not that I neccessarily get it, but at least I put out the request)...I am learning to believe, and I am learning to expect the unexpected....

fuck this feeling sorry and bitter and morose...fuck it....

life's too damn short.

heh.

Soakin' and smilin'

I love my motorcycle. When the weather is clear and warm (or even not so warm) I get great pleasure out of riding it wherever I feel like going.

I have just discovered that I even like it in the rain. I never really considered this, as I'll freely admit I was a bit if a fair weather biker before I lost the truck in the divorce, and since then the weather hasn't been all that sucky, just a bit drizzly when I have to ride.

In any case, here is how I reached my current opinion: I got caught in a famous Halifax downpour (which, incidentally, turned out to be the tail end of Hurricane Katrina....yep, the same one that ravaged Louisiana, etc...) on my ride back from lunch today (delicious quinoa and chick pea concoction w/ spinach salad courtesy the fine folks at the One World Cafe..mmmmmmmm) and for a moment I was angry..angry that it was raining now and had not been raining just 2 minutes before, angry that I was getting water down the back of my neck...you can imagine. The rain fell harder, my visibility diminished, and I had another 5 km of road/river to negotiate, most of it on the Beford Highway, which is hazardous at the best of times...let's not even get into the risks when there are 5 mm of rain on the pavement, the tire ruts are FULL, and I am being tossed around by huge transport trucks that are kind enough to spray great greasy waves of water over me and my ratty-yet-reliable little 250cc Honda. For some reason, though, I was not fearful. In fact, as the umpteenth wall of water collided with my goggles, I began to laugh. It was amazing...I guess I just resigned myself to a) getting completely drenched, which I did, in high style, I might add, and b) possibly meeting my demise right then and there....a watery 2 wheeled grave, squished under a semi....I can think of worse ways to go.

As it turns out, I made it to my place of employment in one piece; I am sodden through to my skivvies..through my thick leathers, through my jeans, to my Fruit-of-the-Looms. Boots and socks? Wring em out and fill em with newspaper. T- shirt? Dry where the jacket was covering it, wet as hell where my zipper was just a tiny bit open..and down the back of my neck. Eeech. Gloves? Mushy, but I am told that horsehide likes moisture, so I think they will be fine. They did not trasfer their black dye onto my hands, at least. Neither did my goggles..good thing cos I would have ended up with quite the racoon mask.

The rain was warm...tropical, almost.....the air heavy and fragrant...not unlike the scent that was hanging just before Juan kicked our asses near 2 years ago. Hmmmm.

Every day is a new start for me....no complaints. Bring on the torrent.

Now I have to decide where to go tonight........Ginger's? Gus's? Khyber? All of the above? Oh, the decisions. I'll be soaked either way, and I cannot move my stuff or paint my room when the humidity is 1000%, so my only alternative is to go and listen to some music. So be it.