99.9% humidity, chance of ?

It's so close to complete that I feel like I can wave my hand in front of my face and see the trail that my fingers leave in the damp-flannel air....velvety, my mum would say.....not like back home, where it's dry til it rains, then it is dry again 2 minutes later- I always know when it's gonna pour cos I recognize that dusty smell that the world has right before the clouds open.

Bold..brazen..brave....foolish....vulnerable....ridiculous...hopeful....tough.....hurting....

all of the above

you smell really nice

(I'd like to be your lover)

Both ends burning....

Whew. I see the next week (or maybe 2) ahead and I shudder with dread and anticipation....makin' big changes and i'd like them to be OVER WITH and yet the process is the fun part- of two minds on this one.

Moving on and moving in, once the painters are finished...**there will be a yard sale**...goal for the first month of this new year is to minimizeminimizeminimize...it would please me to create a quiet space with just that....space - to move. think. play.write.sleep....oh to have interior decorating skills.

Are we always in over our heads in this life? I like to think that I have things sussed out, when in reality I do not...not really. My brain leaps from topic to topic, restiong briefly if it is amused, or enthralled, then moves along, always searching for something...GEH. Too much in the brain.

I have been attempting to focus more on the heart- not an easy task either, cos it is confused. It likes what it likes, the ol' brain has no control...and it's good but takes energy. Ah well, I have that to spare. Nothing a good ride won't fix. Rain this morning on the BHgwy felt like b-bs on my face- recently removed the cheesy plastic visor from my helmet....cos it's all about the cool, really....need one of those nifty face masks that DAVIDA sells....oh to be wealthy.....

I wonder who is still sleeping.

whaddya do when.........

.....when you do not know what you want and then find something that makes you feel like you might actually have the faintest clue?

.....when you have felt something for so long that it is like breathing, and yet so foreign that you do not recognize it?

.....when you can still feel her arms around you and her cheek next to yours a full half day later?

......when two blue eyes and that smile and a sharp mind make you trip up the stairs and spill your coffee?

......when you act outside your comfort zone, and find you like it?

.......you can no longer identify aforementioned comfort zone?

......when you know you want to kiss her?

.......when you know you want some, but not too much

thinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthinkdammit!

.......thoughts?

Pursue or pull back?

every day a new lesson (guess it has always been that way but only now do i choose to notice and maybe learn...maybe)

choice 1: nap or not
decision: nap
result: not so fuckin' tired

choice 2: go see what's happening or just go home
decision: go see what's happening
result: something new, different, and the tiniest bit familiar

choice 3: go out back or just go home
decision: go out back
result: new view of old territory

choice 4: play or just listen
decision: play
result: good practice in front of a non-listening audience

choice 5: continue on or just go home
decision: continue on
result: no regrets

choice 6: access inner daredevil, or play it safe
decision: access inner daredevil
result: damn glad I did

lesson: listen to yer gut..simple as that.

(..and trust it)

Bending not breaking

A few things I learned this weekend:

If you bend from time to time you will not break, and in the end you will survive.

If you take a little and feel bad, put it back. In the end you will be given even more and you will feel good.

Love does not disappear even when hurt is present. It just changes colour for a spell, then returns in an even stronger, albeit different, form. Usually better than before.

It is well worth it to sit out among mosquitos and watch the full moon rise.

Hot House

Beautiful music in a beautiful space
and what sat before me was also beautiful
deep inside and far away
made my heart ache
then it was gone
never mine
you can't own the sound
of a heartbeat
or a broken heart for that matter
(who'd want to for goodness sake!?!)
and in the end
it's not about the having....

chilled not frozen

...funny (weird, not ha ha) what words can do.....cause a tightening in the guts, a sinking of the heart, a familar hollow space to open up....and as this occurs I realize..I understand...that I am the one allowing the words to affect me thus...that because I am invested, I am affected, and in recognizing this, in the future I can react, or not react.....(presently I have already reacted, but maybe the next time will be different).

Every day I am learning a different way to be. I want to give, but if all my giving does is make things complicated, then I will not do it this time. I just want things to be simple, and to be told how the other feels....but that is what I want, and maybe the other is not in that space, and I must be accepting of that fact as well. We all do our best at any given time. So I feel a bit of hurt, but I do not believe, deep in my heart, that hurt was intended. So I feel it, and recognize the reason for it, and move through it and past it, and continue to love.

It's hard, this love. But not too hard.

Limboland

Halfway between moved and not moved....4 more nights to spend alone on the rocks in the air and by the water...under stars and away from the thing I want most and need least....or so I say.

What is missing? Stability.....but at least I am putting my needs out to be met, or not- open for negotiating...and letting it flow if it needs to, cos if it doesn't then everything gets backed up and nothing is resolved.

Gotta just forge ahead...don't even glance backwards cos what is behind us is to be learned from, not dwelled upon.

work work work

question: why is the hardest stuff always the stuff that allows you to grow the most, if you recognize the opportunity and are brave enough to do so?

when the initial shock wears off, I am left with a familiar hollow feeling, but I suppose this just means I have more space to put good things into now.....and for this I am thankful.

my vision is blurred
driving right of the lightning
...is it rain or tears?

my dear friend is going through a rough spot, and there is nothing I can do for her, other than remind her that I love her. Maybe this is all any of us can do- let the people we cherish know that they are loved, and allow them to walk the road in their own way, and in their own time.

love wears all these hats
some just too small to hold it
some to grow into
rmc

she is the most beautiful person I have ever met...pretty much......um hmm!

Let's see........

so i take this cute girl for a ride on my bike, and we watch the sun go down and the stars come out and have a nice time, and then when i drop her off i ask her if i can call her, she says she had a good time and yes, she'd like that....so i do but get no response......but then i see her again and that smile....jeez...that smile....fortunately i am persistent (perhaps to a fault)...time will tell.

i received some good advice from a friend, which is: take nothing personally.

life gets in the way...time is something there never seems to be enough of...most valuable commodity there is, yet many squander it in cubicles, chasing ghosts and visions...living for tomorrow and missing today...

when i had her on my moto, and beside me, that was living; can't stop the clock, but you can live like you can.

ask the question beware the answer

I reckon it is better this way- time to move on but not forget what it is I wanted in the first place- bad timing? Maybe. Still, it stings, but who knows what might happen later.....we never know moment to moment....such beauty and fear....maybe I see it in myself as well and that is what attracts me....

..sweet young narcissus all silver and gold all blue skies and grey skies and nights that are cold......

On a different topic, I have become much more adept at taking a passenger on my sweet moto- sweeter still when her arms are wrapped around me more tightly on the way home than on the way out......venus through a crack in the rocks....water and wind and big sky fulla stars....elements for a nice evening...